Your Child is the reason I'm on Birth ControlWhat transpired and as a result inspired me to write this my audacious views in a dramatic format such as the written word, to impart my opinion to the masses. Was a simple encounter really, one of many we all come across, but this one was the switch, or the proverbial straw that broke my back. It happened about a year ago this time and followed as such...in my minds eye.
One summer afternoon not so long ago I was in the Laundromat transferring the mountain of clothes procrastination had granted me, into the cavernous mouth of the dryer gods. Paying homage with quarters and a few extra the dryers ate , thinking of them as my tribute and hoping the gods would grant me the same number of socks I had come in with. I know their ways are mysterious and perhaps it is my destiny to wear hello kitty on one foot and Strawberry Shortcake on the other, but I wasn't sure. Maybe mixing blk and white socks would signify unity and the symbolism is lost on me, but the Dryer gods know. I was deep in contemplation when my reverie was broken by the sound of a stampede and a high pitched, sound barrier breaking, war cry. Had the native Indians finally decided to take their land back from the white man?! Maybe they needed clean loinclothes my mind searched frantically, No, no I was sure the native Americans were pretty happy with taking the white mans money at their casinos and the Laundromat would be small potatoes, besides I think they wear dry clean only suits now, loincloth being so last year. After calming my irrational mind and over active imagination I turned to face the unknown villains, but still caught off guard by the horror before me. Two, no three, no two streaked by. I'm not sure how many they were fast little buggers, emitting an odor not fit for the human nose no doubt marking their new found territory. They flew by me temporarily stunning me with their scent and distracting me with their erratic movement, leaving me unprepared and vunerable to the real threat.
I turned to face the origin of the ear piercing, sound defying howl. Standing defiantly in front of me, her two foot frame covered in slime and goo of her own making secreted in a steady flow from her many facial orifices. I trembled, but smiled, as was the polite thing to do. What she would do next was anyone's guess, her minions or as she called them 'brothers' ran a much behind me, but I held eye contact, to look away now would be fatal. The small banshee stepped forward and coughed, she did not cover her mouth! Secreted mucus flew towards me and in a matrix gravity defying move I dodged her spray of disease just barely. A near miss, but I was OK I sighed in relief while bracing myself for the next attack, when my opponet squealed in delight, "P-O-K-E-M-O-N!" and scampered off.
It seems the little fiend was sucked in by the seemingly benign box in the corner. Yes the flashing lights and propaganda of Television. Oh thank you electric box with cable access, you again have saved me from unspeakable acts of mucus!
So there I was frantically worried that the villains had ruined my chances of any sock recovery what so ever I was surrounded by a banshee and her un-numbered hoard all looked bleak, when I felt an icy chill prick my neck a massive shadow filled the doorway. I could almost hear ominous music in the background, no wait that was just a passing car.
"GET BACK OVER HERE NOOOOOOWW!", thundered the figure, now stepping into the fluorescent light. I recognized the figure I'd seen it before, two hundred plus pounds of resignation and aggravation, dirty ponytail of apathy and resentment, shorts seven years out of date and two sizes too small and a large billowy T-shirt of non-descript color no doubt to disguise stains, although I believe I still spied some of the creatures goo. Yes this was the woman responsible for this gaggle This was...
"Mommy, Juice!!", the banshee spoke again with demanding certainty and power.
"I SAID GET OVER HERE!", resounded 'Mommy' as the villain's seemed to call this desolate woman.
"Why?!", the minions whined in unison, the banshee still extolling the virtues of juice and Pokemon to Mommy. And then it came that famed line used when there is no reason, when one has been sent to the brink,
'BECAUSE I SAID SOO!!"
What power these small villainous creatures have, to force ones hand like that.
"Juice?", inquired princess piercing cry.
"Yeah Juice...sure......Pokemon....umhmm....Oh yeah I see....That's great...." the patronizing continued for awhile as Miss. Juice performed many jumping feats and awkward movements all the while secreting gelatinous liquids and insisting.
"Mommy look what I can do!....Did you saw Mommy?"
I observed this perverse interaction Watching as one watches a train wreck.
"Yeah, I Saw it." mommy replied evidently having seen princess piercing cries spastic moves from the eyes in the back of her head (I understand that's an added bonus of procreation, eyes in the back of ones head. I think I'll pass) Then 'Mommy' spoke, it was profound to me as she chucked mounds of clothes into the 80 pound washer she revealed why she was here.
"Look what you're making Mommy do. Why do you do this to me?", the massive woman was doing laundry like the rest of us. What was the banshee making this woman do?
First understanding then awe took hold of me as I realized the power these tiny fiends held. Evidently Princess piercing scream had the power to compel her 'mommy' into doing laundry. I was frightened but impressed. Corirsion for clean clothes! I had to give the little buggers credit it was brilliant.
"GET OVER HERE NOW!", I jumped, but the stinky minions were still in the back wreaking havoc.
"Why?!", they asked again pedonically.
"BECAUSE I SAID SOO!"
I could have told them that.
I anxiously viewed my drying clothes, but they were still being chewed on by the gods, no doubt claiming socks with every spin for their holy purposes. The tissue challenged disease monkey danced around on one foot.
"Look what I can do Mommy!", it was probably a laundry dance putting a trance on 'Mommy' getting her to do her bidding (including but not exclusive to, laundry). Damn, I thought, I need to learn that dance.
"IF YOU DON'T GET OVER HERE NOW...." , the open ended threat, one of my favorite. Fill in the blank:...I'll scream again,...my face will turn red then purple,....I'll cry,....I will shake my fist at you in disapproval,...I'll give you back to the circus...the possibilities are endless.
"What?!", unison whine that it seems on the young can accomplish in a way akin to a cat in a meat grinder.
"JUST GET OVER HERE!"
No don't do it, don't do it, I'm chanting in my head. You know the answer I know the answer, Grandma with the hearing aid around her neck knows the answer.
"But Why?!", the minions whined.
The whole Laundromat should have chimed in.
"BECAUSE SHE SAID SO, DUMB ASSES!!"(inner voice)
So she said so and after much hooping and hollering and running into the street (sadly all cars missed the villainous creatures) They were thrown into the car with some last Because she said so's and then carted away.
In the ensuing silence, I realized the dryer gods had finished their mastcation of my clothes and I was free at last. The silence was indeed golden, perhaps even platinum as I packed up my dry laundry, just then a woman from the back of the Laundromat strolled by me and announced to us all at the pealing wheels of the minivan outside
"Now that's why I'm getting an IUD!"
Right on sister, right on.
After Word:
After writing my experience I found myself next to a pile of socks with no mates, Damn those miniature villains!
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